Oh dear God don't flame me
by Angel Jade
Summary: well... uh...this is my first fic. Self-insertion.
1. ANGEL

1 Angel of Doom  
  
Angel slapped her alarm clock, leapt out of bed, and began to zoom around her room. It was her first day in a school… here, and she was nervous. What would the kids say about her? Would they be nice? Would the teacher be as scary as the teachers back home? She didn't know, and she didn't have time to think.  
  
When Angel stepped into the classroom, a strange, ugly, gray-haired woman was in the front, repeating "doom" umm… repeatedly. Angel waited for the old woman to finish her discourse, swiftly coming to the conclusion that it wasn't happening today. She spoke up, but her soft voice was inaudible over the two boys bickering loudly and the annoying background of "doom… doom… doom." She spoke again, louder, and Ms. Bitters snapped to attention (or at least she stopped saying, "doom.") "Here is the next doomed child to join this doomed class of filth to help you prepare for your consumer-driven… doom… doom…"  
  
Angel shrugged and took a seat next to the cuter of the arguing boys, the one in the black trenchcoat. He glanced at her, then at the green kid, then back… slowly… to Angel. The green kid stared at her, meanwhile talking to his watch.  
  
Angel watched this, eyebrows raised. She'd been dropped into a class with a worse teacher than the ones back home, and the only guy that looked cute was nearly comatose. And to add to it all, trenchcoat boy was arguing with a green schizo in the habit of talking to inanimate objects. She sighed and began to doodle on a piece of notebook paper.  
  
Dib looked at the raven-haired, pale girl for what seemed like only a few seconds, but suddenly the bell was ringing for lunch. As his classmates dashed out of the classroom, Dib loitered, pretending to organize his papers. He was, of course, never as eager to go to lunch as the other morons. Who knew what their cafeteria was really serving? As though what they SAID it was wasn't repulsive enough… they could be serving them all kinds of ALIEN material. Zim could've gotten into the kitchen.  
  
The girl didn't seem to have a clue what was going on. She was, in fact, scribbling madly in a notebook. Dib approached her; he was a bit nervous, until he saw what it was she was drawing. It was Zim! An incredibly likeness… except, instead of slick black hair, there were antennae, and instead of normal eyes, the ones she was drawing were red and round, without iris or pupil.  
  
"You… know he's an alien?"  
  
"Wish you'd stop looking at me like I was one," Angel muttered.  
  
"It's… it's just that… you KNOW he's an alien?"  
  
"Tell me, are all the guys parrots here, or is it just you?"  
  
"You believe me?"  
  
"No duh."  
  
"No one's ever believed me before!"  
  
"Well, maybe you'd be more credible if you weren't talking to a bunch of zombies with an IQ of what, 4 collectively?"  
  
"You have a point."  
  
Dib and Angel exited, ignoring Zim, who had remained in his desk and listened to the whole conversation.  
  
Zim snapped his communicator closed with a sigh. His faithful robot G.I.R. had spent the entire conversation zooming around the room looking for food. Zim wished G.I.R. wasn't so advanced; he wished the Tallest had not thought so highly of him as to give him a prototype with such an effective master necessary. This was not going to be easy.  
  
Angel sighed. Dib knew everything about all the things she was interested in, but he hadn't yet gotten to the subject that intrigued her most… himself. The questions she'd asked had set off long rants about Zim and about him seeing Bigfoot in his garage. She stopped him in the middle of a phrase "advanced technological technique-" and said, "So, would your parents care if you came over tonight?"  
  
Dib looked a little blank and shook his head no.  
  
"Right after school. I have some more drawings I think you'd be interested in, and I also have an idea… we can't discuss here."  
  
He nodded, and he kept his mouth shut about the aliens and otherwise for the rest of the meal. Not that Angel didn't love talking about it; it was just that she hadn't been prepared to talk about it to someone who cared. Dib, it seemed, had been preparing for that all his life.  
  
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Angel waited as Dib got his stuff together. She was painfully aware of Zim, his falsely human eyes staring, drilling a hole in her. She wondered what he was staring FOR. She tried to put that aside as Dib finished. He began to speak, but she shushed him with a meaningful look at Zim.  
  
As soon as they got outside, Angel began to tell Dib her plan, her plan to expose Zim for the alien he was.  
  
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Zim, meanwhile, was walking home, alone as always. He knew something was up with Dib. That girl… Normally the introduction of a new student would have translated into Zim's brain as, "more human filth to destroy later," but this GIRL was different.  
  
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Twenty minutes later, Angel dodged a scary-looking lawn gnome and knocked on Zim's door. He answered after a little while, slamming the door open and shut without a second's pause… but then… Angel heard him pacing inside. She sighed and opened the door herself. Zim turned slowly and looked at her, his eyes wide. No human had ever dared… well, Dib that one time… but to come through the front DOOR! Some small creature in a green, badly stitched dog costume stood gaping, an ice cream cone lying overturned beside it. And, Angel thought, this wasn't half as bad as she'd expected. It was a long moment, Zim and G.I.R. staring and Angel regarding her surroundings with one eyebrow lifted skeptically. Then Zim panicked. He jumped into… what? A toilet? That was… weird. Definitely weird. She giggled, for a moment sounding about 3 years old, then she followed Zim.  
  
Angel landed on her butt on the floor. She rolled into a standing position too fast for it to even hurt, but she was definitely startled. It took a while for her eyes to adjust, but when she did she saw Zim standing in the shadows… and there was something like a weapon pointing at her.  
  
"Ooh, scary, Mr. Irken Invader."  
  
Zim dropped the weapon, a look of shock and horror crossing his face. "What are you talking about, human?"  
  
"You. You, Zimmy, are a certified alien. As in from outer space. As in… from Irk. Sent by the Almighty Tallest… but they didn't really like you, did they?" She took a deep breath, then horror crossed her face and she covered her mouth with her thin, pale hands.  
  
This was a major information overload for Zim. He knelt, keeping his eyes on this human who had now proven herself a danger, and picked up his gun.  
  
"No, please, Zimmy, don't." Now she was scared, it was obvious. She was actually pleading. And to think, this pathetic little worm-baby had some power over Dib. Zim almost laughed to think of it. Then another idea occurred to him. This time, he DID laugh.  
  
Angel stepped backward. She had honestly gotten herself in too deep this time. She had been planning on gaining Zim's trust somehow, not blurting out everything and watching stupidly as he pulled a weapon on her. Now, when she needed help most, she had lost her communication with Dib. And Zim was laughing.  
  
That was never good.  
  
Zim assumed an air of… well… about as close to gentleness as he ever got. He put his weapon back in its holster and slowly held up his hands, to show that he was harmless.  
  
"Dibby's outside. He's got a tape of the inside of your house. They'll find you… if you hurt me, you'll pay." Her voice was trembling.  
  
Zim thought about that for a second. "I'm not going to hurt you," he said mildly. "Why would I want to hurt someone so…" valuable. "Nice?"  
  
She was calmer now. There was obviously something up here; Zim had a plan in mind, but the last thing she wanted to do now was run. He still had the weapon, even if it was in the holster, and it wouldn't take him long to find her. Not like she had anywhere to go.  
  
Mom? We need to move.  
  
Why, honey?  
  
Well, um, there's this guy at skool, and he's an alien bent on destroying the human race, and he wants to kill me.  
  
And then it's straight to the loony bin for Angel.  
  
So she waited. He thought for a few more seconds, then hit a button on the wall. They were plunged into complete darkness.  
  
"Augh! Pitiful… hyooman… electricity…" Zim sounded annoyed.  
  
The lights went back on. Angel breathed a sigh of relief. Then Zim hit another button. The walls made a really loud noise.  
  
"Um… Zimmy… what was that about?"  
  
"Oh, nothing. Nothing to worry about. Let's go upstairs."  
  
Zim grasped Angel's arm firmly and led her back to the place she'd landed. They were sucked up. Angel was about to have motion sickness when they popped out of the toilet and landed on the living room floor. Well, Angel did; Zim landed among the wires and pipes on the ceiling. She stifled laughter as he untangled himself and jumped down. However, when she got around to glancing about at the rest of the room, the urge to laugh left her. The door and the windows were now covered with metal. The deranged dog- thing was gone, and the TV was turned off.  
  
Zim stood thinking, staring at her. Obviously he was not very good at having guests. Since he wasn't about to offer her a seat, she took one herself, and he followed her lead.  
  
Dib was sitting outside waiting for Angel to come back, when suddenly this green creature that looked like Frankenstein's dog came flying out of the house giggling. It bounced around the yard for a few minutes, then glanced at its watch- Since when do dogs have watches?- and darted back toward the door. Apparently it had been expecting the door to fly open before it hit, but it didn't. The thing hit the ground, stood, brushed itself off, and tried to open the door the conventional way- but it couldn't reach the doorknob. Dib chuckled. It grabbed one of the lawn gnomes, which looked bewildered, and stuck it on the porch, then stood on its head and turned the doorknob. The door opened and it fell in- into a metal barrier. Dib groaned in sympathy for the thing, now enjoying the display. It looked at its watch again, sat down on the porch, and began making sounds. Was it crying? Yeah. The robot dog thing was definitely crying.  
  
After a few minutes, Dib couldn't take it anymore. He got up and strode to where the green robot dog was sitting. "What's wrong?"  
  
The thing jumped literally about a foot. It looked up and shouted halfheartedly, "Intruder!"  
  
Dib didn't even bother with telling it to shut up. "Why are you crying?"  
  
"I was in the yard and I was in the yard and I can't get in and watch Angry Monkey!"  
  
"Oh. Okay." Dib was at a loss.  
  
"Do you want to play a game?"  
  
Dib shook his head no. The dog looked disappointed. He changed his mind. "Sure, what do you want to play?"  
  
The dog shrugged. "I'o'know."  
  
**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** *************************** 


	2. Slurpies and Stupid Boys

Angel cursed herself for having gotten into this situation. Zim had walked out of the room only a few minutes ago, not giving her so much as a word of where he was going, and already she was imagining terrible things. Where was Dib? Zim could have been outside by now, could have driven Dib away… She shuddered. Dib was the only person she had… now… the only person who knew where she was, and probably the only person who would care.  
  
Zim reentered the room. "Come downstairs with me, human girl."  
  
"Last time I heard that… well… never mind."  
  
She followed him into the garbage can this time. What was this alien's problem with waste receptacles? Oh well, she thought, and waited for Zim to make his next move.  
  
Zim… well… Zim was really quite puzzled. He had no idea whatsoever about what to do with Angel. She was in his power, entirely, and yet he had no clue as to how that was helpful. He knew she meant something to Dib. To kill her would hurt him. But wasn't there a better use for her? He did want to destroy humans, he really did, and yet he felt… some kind of guilt… about hurting this one. Why? He pushed his thoughts aside and turned on his security cameras. What he saw shocked and horrified him. His faithful robot unit was running around chasing a stick… not really that unusual… but DIB WAS THROWING THE STICK!!!!!!!!!  
  
His nemesis was outside playing FETCH with his GIR unit!  
  
Zim growled. Angel giggled. He whirled on her, angry, and snapped, "What do YOU think is so FUNNY?"  
  
"Um… nothing..." she said, suppressing more giggles.  
  
"Good."  
  
GIR hit his head on the flamingo lawn ornament, yelled "YIPPEE!" and continued to fly around the yard, oblivious.  
  
Zim sighed and transported himself upstairs, leaving Angel alone in the darkened laboratory. This was the opportunity she had come for. She ran to the computer… started pushing random buttons… and the lights went out again. A shrill voice shrieked, "Intruder alert!"  
  
Zim landed on his feet on the floor next to Angel. This time GIR was with him, diving down the chute and then cheerfully bouncing over to Angel to hand her a Slurpie. She took it, confused but silent. Zim turned first to the computer and undid whatever it was Angel had done, then to the girl herself. He studied her for a few seconds, then said, "I need to go back up to get Dib. You should probably leave that computer alone this time." He coasted up the shaft. Angel tried her Slurpie, for lack of anything better to do, and found it revolting. She forced a smile at GIR, because she suspected the little creature would be very dejected if she showed her disgust. He grinned back hopefully, then unzipped his head. He was gray metal with big aquamarine colored eyes, and he was very cute. Angel laughed and asked him, "What's your name?"  
  
Its eyes shone sweetly, and it responded in an adorable voice, "GIR!"  
  
"Do you like it here?"  
  
"I wanna go get more slurpie!"  
  
"Is yours gone?"  
  
GIR looked sad now, in an insane way. "Yeah."  
  
"Here you go. You can have mine."  
  
GIR giggled and took it. Apparently no one had ever paid this much attention to it before. "Thank you!" And it shot up the pipe with a happy shriek.  
  
Zim fell out of the same pipe about ten seconds later. He landed correctly, on his feet, but Dib tumbled down on top of him and they both hit the floor. They rolled apart as soon as they landed, and then they jumped up, glaring at each other.  
  
"What do you want with us, Zim?" Dib's voice was brave and defiant, but his words didn't make much sense considering they were the ones intruding in his house.  
  
Angel pointed this out.  
  
Zim looked at her, amused, for a second; then he and Dib proceeded to argue about god-knew-what for ten minutes. Angel didn't listen to most of this blather. They were acting like typical human males, striking brave poses and tossing noble, pretentious words. Angel wondered if she should tell them that. 


End file.
